I started a new module this week. The new mod always starts on the first week of every month. My second class for the day is Photoshop. Wow, what a learning curve!!! It feels great to use the muscles in my brain for the first time in a long while, but when you are in a class with young men that have been raised with computers, you feel a little inadequate. This week is the first week since I started school that I felt like it would be too hard. I am so very glad I pushed through though because today after class I felt so good about things. At least for now.
This is my cute little friend Max. This week I had to find clothes for him on the Internet and put him on a new background. Once I got the hang of it, I enjoyed doing it. At first I thought I would pull my hair out. I am excited about how it turned out. I got an A on the assignment. What an ego boost!!! Can't help but brag.
The other lesson I learned this week is something I still think about and feel a little bad. We have a lady in our class named Toni. She is 55 years old. Blond hair and wears a long hair piece that she pulls up on her head. She wears bright blue or green eyeshadow and bright red lipstick. Her lips are quite large and her mascara is always running down her face. Her tongue is very big and she smacks her lips and keeps her mouth half open with her tongue kind of poking out. She takes lots of medicine for depression and anxiety and got a DUI so she can't drive. All her life you can tell she has manipulated people into doing things for her. She has been trying to get people to pick her up in the morning for school. She lives in Provo. What a nightmare for one particular young man in the class. He is too nice to say no and she is really difficult because she won't take no for an answer. She is very disruptive in class and has never turned a computer on. She monopolizes the teachers time and it is probably the biggest annoyance I have experienced for a very long time. It is really unbelievable. I don't know how things will work out for her, but it has been an adventure getting to know her. The other people in my class are very dear to me and I have enjoyed my association with them. I am looking forward to an easier week next week. (I hope).
The good news is that I am able to throw a party. I am organized, I have great ideas, I can see
what needs to be done and do it. I put
in the effort to make it beautiful, complete with matching tablecloths, dishes,
flowers, and over-the-top food. I work
hard, and I have friends and family that will be there for the party I am
throwing because they love me and trust that they will have a good time when
they get there. They will help me with
whatever I ask them to bring or do. I am
the consequential “Hostess with the Mostest”.
The bad news is that before the party even gets started I
change my mind and decide not to do it because no one will come anyway, but in
my head, it has the potential to be a fabulous party. If I do happen to push through the doubt and
throw the party regardless, I am worried about people showing up. I am so worried about everyone having a good
time that I completely sabotage my own ability to enjoy it. And to top it all off with a cherry, when the
party is over, I worry and analyze all of the things I said, or didn’t
say. I worry that people are feeling
like it was a boring party. I tell
myself I don’t ever want to do it again because no one appreciates it anyway
and they will be talking for a month about how sad it is that I don’t know what
a bad party it really was. I am completely,
one hundred percent sure I know what they are thinking.
What stops me from completing something I want most? What keeps me from being happy in the present
moment? What causes me to distrust
relationships that are most important to me?
In a nutshell, I worry way too much.
What gives me the greatest sense of accomplishment? What enables me to carry on and endure the
day or weather any storm? What great
gift do I possess that makes me successful?
Simply put, being organized and working hard.
This week I have found myself trying to juggle school, my job, my family and still try and do things with my friends. What a week!!!! I think the only reason it got so crazy is because my decision to go to school collided with everything that was already on my calendar. Throw in a little spontaneity with family visiting and friends asking me to do things, I was a little imbalanced. As I look back on it though, it was a pretty darn great week.
One of my assignments that was due Friday was to write a paper about my perception of myself. I thought it would be an easy thing to do so I put it off a little longer than I should have. It was difficult. The interesting thing is that I think I could have written another 10 pages and still need more time. But, here it is. How I see myself.
My Perception of Me
By Cindy Russo
From the outside looking in, my name is Cindy Jo Moss Russo
and I was born in Brigham City, UT. I
have lived in Utah my whole life. The
first part was spent in Tremonton, a small town in Northern Utah and the second
part in Utah Valley. I am a member of
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and have been since 8 years
old. My father and mother were both High
School graduates with some college. They owned a small business while I was
growing up. They married young and were
divorced when I was 12. I married when
I was 19, had my first of four children when I was 20 and my last at 30. I am a daughter of God, a wife, mother, and a
grandmother.
From the inside looking out, is more difficult for me to
explain. Day-by-day successes,
disappointments, feelings, and desires to progress and be a better person, make
it hard to tell you how I see myself.
Tomorrow morning I will get up and see myself differently than I do
right now as I write. There are some
days that I can’t see myself at all.
I see myself being swept along and handled at times. Handled by God, by my husband, children,
family, and/or friends. This may sound
negative, but for me it is a positive thing because I care about what people
think, it keeps me in my comfort zone, it helps me make good choices, and I
want others to be happy in life and with me, especially God. But don’t be deceived into thinking I am
selfless. I can be irrational and
emotional to the point that I filter out the feelings of others to get what I
need. I am a bit co-dependent. I have a need to make those I love proud of
me to the point that I let others tell me how I think and feel. The one exception in my life is my
husband. I trust him so much with my
life that I never pass the opportunity to let him hear my voice and know
exactly where I stand and what my opinion is.
No matter how great I am or how many mistakes I make, I know I am loved.
There are a few things that make me black and white, but how
I see myself is gray. This can cause a
lot of internal struggle. I am usually
pulled in two directions, able to see two different sides to a story. The problem with that is that I can talk to
one person and see their point and then feel very hypocritical because I will
talk to the other person and see their side.
I have difficulty making decisions because I make things very complex
and gray. It seems like it would be
easier to be black or white. Sometimes I
allow indecision to make my decision for me.
The good news is that I see myself as a compassionate, less judgmental
and more liberal person. The bad news is
that I often feel dishonest in my relationships because I don’t let people know
the truth about how I feel or my opinion on matters. Talking politics is my worst nightmare.
This is what happens inside of me
when I am in a good mood and it bubbles
up inside and it explodes.
I see myself as educated with good common sense and
intelligence but I am constantly feeling like everyone around me is smarter. As I try and break out of that cycle of not
giving myself a break and comparing myself to others, I turn to learning new
things. I have always loved school,
working hard, and feeling like I have accomplished something. The voice in the back of my mind is telling
me that I am ok at a lot of things but not really great at anything.
I see myself as a homebody.
I love my comfort zone. I am not
the party animal, but sometimes when I am in a really great mood, those happy
feelings start welling up inside of me and come bubbling out without regard to
how crazy and quirky I look. This is
when one of my children will snap a shot, or video me and put it on Facebook.
Once I was asked, “If you could chose a song that describes
you, what would it be?” My song is
Firework, by Katy Perry. Mostly I am
subdued and in my little box and then all of a sudden the spark ignites and I
really let it shine. After the hurricane
of my life the rainbow comes. That is
when my true colors come out. I let the
fireworks go and they shoot across the sky and I become honest and real and I
don’t care who is watching, I am just happy to be me.
Firework by Katy Perry
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards,
One blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
I am now an official student at Stevens-Henager College. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity. First of all I have an amazing husband. He works so hard and it hasn't always been easy. He has taken care of me for 32 years. He has always been supportive no matter what challenge I take on. Often he is doing more work than I am for one of my many "projects" and/or church callings, work, etc. If he isn't doing the work, he is cheering me on. His most important job is being a father to our children and grandchildren. No matter how tired he is or how much is going on in his personal life he is ALWAYS willing to drop things and come to our aid or serve someone in need. I don't tell him enough how much I love him. I am usually the one being apologized to, not because I am in the right, but because he hates it when I am upset or unhappy. Our family can always count on him for words of wisdom, and even if we don't want his advice, he is usually right. We compliment each other, my right brain and his left. We seem to always work things out no matter how far apart we are on the "life-o-meter". His logic to my emotion causes a lot of "healthy discussion" between us. How is it we have been able to compromise for so long? One word......unconditional LOVE.
This is the challenge I have undertaken. It won't be easy. I have already been put in the Math for Dummies class. First day of class we were given a test. If we got an 80% we could pass the class and not take it for the rest of the module. I received a 70%! Really? I haven't done math for 12 years, how am I suppose to remember common denominators, inverting fractions and converting fractions to decimals? If I have gotten to age 51 successfully without using this stuff, why do I need to know it now? No calculators???? All I can say is I am grateful I went to elementary school during the time that you had to MEMORIZE times tables. Today, the instructor taught us to multiply with our fingers. While it was an amazing little trick, I found myself happy that I had timed, one minute multiplication, division, addition and subtraction tests in the 3rd grade. I went to school in the days when you were seated according to your placing on tests. It was an honor to sit in the front of the room. The bonus after humiliation back then? YOU KNOW YOUR TIMES TABLES!!!!! I have no idea what 8's and 9's and new math is, but what I do know is that I can remember what was drilled into my elementary school brain. It is the High School brain that seems to be missing. But for now, I will do my busy work like a good student. I was called lovingly "grouchy Cindy" by my instructor. Lesson: Don't complain! One older woman screamed at the instructor and picked up her stuff and left. Maybe they are trying to "weed us out"????
Dustin and April are having twin boys. Yay! I am so excited for them. On the other hand, I can imagine it can be quite overwhelming thinking that you will have two tiny little guys craving attention. Plus, you have to buy two of everything. The cost seems overwhelming to me. Just buying gifts for a shower gives you cause to stop and contemplate the commitment level of the parents of doubles.
Diaper Cake I made
We did one shower game. The Poopy Diaper game. It was a lot of fun. People had to smell and guess the type of chocolate that was melted in a diaper. I have to wonder if the diaper game is worth wasting 10 diapers. Especially when you are diapering two. Do you know how much a case of diapers is????? A small fortune.
Tripp and Kailey examining the mess. Ha Ha.
Look at Tripp's face as Kailey sniffs.
Steve seems very excited about the game.
Congrats Dustin and April on making two little boys that will be loved and cared for by an awesome big sister and terrific parents.
Pax is 2! What a funny, terrific, loving, smiley, sassy (can a boy be sassy?), amazing boy! And the eyes are so big they can melt you in a minute. This little guy likes hair. When I picked him up and gave him loves and carried or held him he would put his little arm around me and take my hair on the back of my head and rub it between his fingers. It was so cute and very sweet. I felt love in his little fingers. What a great feeling! He also LOVES cars. And he loved the frosting on his cake. He ate the frosting and played with the cars on the cake for about 30 minutes. He was in his own little world. He also chewed up most of the hard candy HAPPY BIRTHDAY letters. I have to admit, I haven't ever had a child like them. I was so HAPPY watching him play. He just makes me smile and feel a lot of grandmotherly enjoyment.
These are the words to her solo. I was humbled by her choice. Being her MaMa is so rewarding.
My daughter was in her last Cougarette Concert in February. What a bittersweet experience! I am so very happy for her and for the experiences she has had as a BYU Coug. I can't really express the thrill as I watch her dance. There are just no words for the emotion and love I have for this beautiful girl. And when she dances.....well there is no way to put it in words. I sit in my seat waiting for her to step onto the stage. When she gets there, I only watch her. I look for her and if I can't find her I desperately search. I am sad when any dance is over that she is in. And then I just sit with tears in my eyes or a grin on my face or jaw dropped in amazement. I don't know if it is because I have always had a love of dance but didn't have the opportunities that she has had so I live my life vicariously through her, or if I recognize the talent and gift she has and I am awed by it and want to be a part of it, or if it is just the feelings a mom has for the accomplishment of her daughter. Whatever the reason, I am wrapped up in her performance in a way that stuns me at times. I am deeply grateful that she is patient with my need to be a part of her every movement. She has given me more than she knows. I miss staying in hotel rooms with her at competitions, I miss her recitals, I miss her showcases and ballets, etc. I am going to miss football games and basketball games. I am going to miss the Cougarette Concerts. I am going to miss going to Florida with her for Nationals, I am going to miss the other girls that have graciously allowed me a glimpse into their lives through facebook or sewing for them. It is a chapter in a book of life that I wish I could experience for the first time all over again.
Backstage at the Coug Concert 2012
Senior Girls
The girls with Jodi and Morgan
Past and Present Cougs
Proud MaMa with her baby
Thursday Night
Best Friends
Friday Night
I love this picture. Great Friends!
Saturday night was girls night
Sarah has been blessed with a great support system. I am so grateful for my family.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am happily married to a man that compliments me in every way. When we work together, nothing can stop us. I have seven amazing children, including in-laws and I have seven precious grandchildren. The day I became a grandma, is the day I truly understood and realized what a gift and blessing each day is. My family is everything to me.
