I am Happiest when I am a Firework

This week I have found myself trying to juggle school, my job, my family and still try and do things with my friends.  What a week!!!!  I think the only reason it got so crazy is because my decision to go to school collided with everything that was already on my calendar.  Throw in a little spontaneity with family visiting and friends asking me to do things, I was a little imbalanced.  As I look back on it though, it was a pretty darn great week.

One of my assignments that was due Friday was to write a paper about my perception of myself.  I thought it would be an easy thing to do so I put it off a little longer than I should have.  It was difficult.  The interesting thing is that I think I could have written another 10 pages and still need more time.  But, here it is.  How I see myself.

My Perception of Me

By Cindy Russo

From the outside looking in, my name is Cindy Jo Moss Russo and I was born in Brigham City, UT.  I have lived in Utah my whole life.  The first part was spent in Tremonton, a small town in Northern Utah and the second part in Utah Valley.  I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and have been since 8 years old.  My father and mother were both High School graduates with some college.   They owned a small business while I was growing up.  They married young and were divorced when I was 12.   I married when I was 19, had my first of four children when I was 20 and my last at 30.  I am a daughter of God, a wife, mother, and a grandmother. 

From the inside looking out, is more difficult for me to explain.  Day-by-day successes, disappointments, feelings, and desires to progress and be a better person, make it hard to tell you how I see myself.  Tomorrow morning I will get up and see myself differently than I do right now as I write.  There are some days that I can’t see myself at all. 

I see myself being swept along and handled at times.  Handled by God, by my husband, children, family, and/or friends.  This may sound negative, but for me it is a positive thing because I care about what people think, it keeps me in my comfort zone, it helps me make good choices, and I want others to be happy in life and with me, especially God.  But don’t be deceived into thinking I am selfless.  I can be irrational and emotional to the point that I filter out the feelings of others to get what I need.  I am a bit co-dependent.  I have a need to make those I love proud of me to the point that I let others tell me how I think and feel.  The one exception in my life is my husband.  I trust him so much with my life that I never pass the opportunity to let him hear my voice and know exactly where I stand and what my opinion is.  No matter how great I am or how many mistakes I make, I know I am loved.

There are a few things that make me black and white, but how I see myself is gray.  This can cause a lot of internal struggle.   I am usually pulled in two directions, able to see two different sides to a story.   The problem with that is that I can talk to one person and see their point and then feel very hypocritical because I will talk to the other person and see their side.  I have difficulty making decisions because I make things very complex and gray.  It seems like it would be easier to be black or white.  Sometimes I allow indecision to make my decision for me.  The good news is that I see myself as a compassionate, less judgmental and more liberal person.  The bad news is that I often feel dishonest in my relationships because I don’t let people know the truth about how I feel or my opinion on matters.  Talking politics is my worst nightmare.

This is what happens inside of me
when I am in a good mood and it bubbles
up inside and it explodes.

I see myself as educated with good common sense and intelligence but I am constantly feeling like everyone around me is smarter.  As I try and break out of that cycle of not giving myself a break and comparing myself to others, I turn to learning new things.  I have always loved school, working hard, and feeling like I have accomplished something.  The voice in the back of my mind is telling me that I am ok at a lot of things but not really great at anything. 

I see myself as a homebody.  I love my comfort zone.  I am not the party animal, but sometimes when I am in a really great mood, those happy feelings start welling up inside of me and come bubbling out without regard to how crazy and quirky I look.  This is when one of my children will snap a shot, or video me and put it on Facebook.

Once I was asked, “If you could chose a song that describes you, what would it be?”  My song is Firework, by Katy Perry.  Mostly I am subdued and in my little box and then all of a sudden the spark ignites and I really let it shine.  After the hurricane of my life the rainbow comes.  That is when my true colors come out.  I let the fireworks go and they shoot across the sky and I become honest and real and I don’t care who is watching, I am just happy to be me.

Firework by Katy Perry

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards,
One blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

 Can you see me dancing?