The good news is that I am able to throw a party. I am organized, I have great ideas, I can see
what needs to be done and do it. I put
in the effort to make it beautiful, complete with matching tablecloths, dishes,
flowers, and over-the-top food. I work
hard, and I have friends and family that will be there for the party I am
throwing because they love me and trust that they will have a good time when
they get there. They will help me with
whatever I ask them to bring or do. I am
the consequential “Hostess with the Mostest”.
The bad news is that before the party even gets started I
change my mind and decide not to do it because no one will come anyway, but in
my head, it has the potential to be a fabulous party. If I do happen to push through the doubt and
throw the party regardless, I am worried about people showing up. I am so worried about everyone having a good
time that I completely sabotage my own ability to enjoy it. And to top it all off with a cherry, when the
party is over, I worry and analyze all of the things I said, or didn’t
say. I worry that people are feeling
like it was a boring party. I tell
myself I don’t ever want to do it again because no one appreciates it anyway
and they will be talking for a month about how sad it is that I don’t know what
a bad party it really was. I am completely,
one hundred percent sure I know what they are thinking.
What stops me from completing something I want most? What keeps me from being happy in the present
moment? What causes me to distrust
relationships that are most important to me?
In a nutshell, I worry way too much.
What gives me the greatest sense of accomplishment? What enables me to carry on and endure the
day or weather any storm? What great
gift do I possess that makes me successful?
Simply put, being organized and working hard.
This week I have found myself trying to juggle school, my job, my family and still try and do things with my friends. What a week!!!! I think the only reason it got so crazy is because my decision to go to school collided with everything that was already on my calendar. Throw in a little spontaneity with family visiting and friends asking me to do things, I was a little imbalanced. As I look back on it though, it was a pretty darn great week.
One of my assignments that was due Friday was to write a paper about my perception of myself. I thought it would be an easy thing to do so I put it off a little longer than I should have. It was difficult. The interesting thing is that I think I could have written another 10 pages and still need more time. But, here it is. How I see myself.
My Perception of Me
By Cindy Russo
From the outside looking in, my name is Cindy Jo Moss Russo
and I was born in Brigham City, UT. I
have lived in Utah my whole life. The
first part was spent in Tremonton, a small town in Northern Utah and the second
part in Utah Valley. I am a member of
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and have been since 8 years
old. My father and mother were both High
School graduates with some college. They owned a small business while I was
growing up. They married young and were
divorced when I was 12. I married when
I was 19, had my first of four children when I was 20 and my last at 30. I am a daughter of God, a wife, mother, and a
grandmother.
From the inside looking out, is more difficult for me to
explain. Day-by-day successes,
disappointments, feelings, and desires to progress and be a better person, make
it hard to tell you how I see myself.
Tomorrow morning I will get up and see myself differently than I do
right now as I write. There are some
days that I can’t see myself at all.
I see myself being swept along and handled at times. Handled by God, by my husband, children,
family, and/or friends. This may sound
negative, but for me it is a positive thing because I care about what people
think, it keeps me in my comfort zone, it helps me make good choices, and I
want others to be happy in life and with me, especially God. But don’t be deceived into thinking I am
selfless. I can be irrational and
emotional to the point that I filter out the feelings of others to get what I
need. I am a bit co-dependent. I have a need to make those I love proud of
me to the point that I let others tell me how I think and feel. The one exception in my life is my
husband. I trust him so much with my
life that I never pass the opportunity to let him hear my voice and know
exactly where I stand and what my opinion is.
No matter how great I am or how many mistakes I make, I know I am loved.
There are a few things that make me black and white, but how
I see myself is gray. This can cause a
lot of internal struggle. I am usually
pulled in two directions, able to see two different sides to a story. The problem with that is that I can talk to
one person and see their point and then feel very hypocritical because I will
talk to the other person and see their side.
I have difficulty making decisions because I make things very complex
and gray. It seems like it would be
easier to be black or white. Sometimes I
allow indecision to make my decision for me.
The good news is that I see myself as a compassionate, less judgmental
and more liberal person. The bad news is
that I often feel dishonest in my relationships because I don’t let people know
the truth about how I feel or my opinion on matters. Talking politics is my worst nightmare.
This is what happens inside of me
when I am in a good mood and it bubbles
up inside and it explodes.
I see myself as educated with good common sense and
intelligence but I am constantly feeling like everyone around me is smarter. As I try and break out of that cycle of not
giving myself a break and comparing myself to others, I turn to learning new
things. I have always loved school,
working hard, and feeling like I have accomplished something. The voice in the back of my mind is telling
me that I am ok at a lot of things but not really great at anything.
I see myself as a homebody.
I love my comfort zone. I am not
the party animal, but sometimes when I am in a really great mood, those happy
feelings start welling up inside of me and come bubbling out without regard to
how crazy and quirky I look. This is
when one of my children will snap a shot, or video me and put it on Facebook.
Once I was asked, “If you could chose a song that describes
you, what would it be?” My song is
Firework, by Katy Perry. Mostly I am
subdued and in my little box and then all of a sudden the spark ignites and I
really let it shine. After the hurricane
of my life the rainbow comes. That is
when my true colors come out. I let the
fireworks go and they shoot across the sky and I become honest and real and I
don’t care who is watching, I am just happy to be me.
Firework by Katy Perry
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards,
One blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
I am now an official student at Stevens-Henager College. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity. First of all I have an amazing husband. He works so hard and it hasn't always been easy. He has taken care of me for 32 years. He has always been supportive no matter what challenge I take on. Often he is doing more work than I am for one of my many "projects" and/or church callings, work, etc. If he isn't doing the work, he is cheering me on. His most important job is being a father to our children and grandchildren. No matter how tired he is or how much is going on in his personal life he is ALWAYS willing to drop things and come to our aid or serve someone in need. I don't tell him enough how much I love him. I am usually the one being apologized to, not because I am in the right, but because he hates it when I am upset or unhappy. Our family can always count on him for words of wisdom, and even if we don't want his advice, he is usually right. We compliment each other, my right brain and his left. We seem to always work things out no matter how far apart we are on the "life-o-meter". His logic to my emotion causes a lot of "healthy discussion" between us. How is it we have been able to compromise for so long? One word......unconditional LOVE.
This is the challenge I have undertaken. It won't be easy. I have already been put in the Math for Dummies class. First day of class we were given a test. If we got an 80% we could pass the class and not take it for the rest of the module. I received a 70%! Really? I haven't done math for 12 years, how am I suppose to remember common denominators, inverting fractions and converting fractions to decimals? If I have gotten to age 51 successfully without using this stuff, why do I need to know it now? No calculators???? All I can say is I am grateful I went to elementary school during the time that you had to MEMORIZE times tables. Today, the instructor taught us to multiply with our fingers. While it was an amazing little trick, I found myself happy that I had timed, one minute multiplication, division, addition and subtraction tests in the 3rd grade. I went to school in the days when you were seated according to your placing on tests. It was an honor to sit in the front of the room. The bonus after humiliation back then? YOU KNOW YOUR TIMES TABLES!!!!! I have no idea what 8's and 9's and new math is, but what I do know is that I can remember what was drilled into my elementary school brain. It is the High School brain that seems to be missing. But for now, I will do my busy work like a good student. I was called lovingly "grouchy Cindy" by my instructor. Lesson: Don't complain! One older woman screamed at the instructor and picked up her stuff and left. Maybe they are trying to "weed us out"????
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am happily married to a man that compliments me in every way. When we work together, nothing can stop us. I have seven amazing children, including in-laws and I have seven precious grandchildren. The day I became a grandma, is the day I truly understood and realized what a gift and blessing each day is. My family is everything to me.
